Mop-Up Nitro 8.7.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
(note: As soon as the RAW recap was posted, I noticed a grammatical error that I would like to correct now... I'm sure it's one of many... but oh well
-Jesus... the entireWrestleline crew was at Ellen and Anne's wedding
Instead, make that: -Jesus... the entire Wrestleline crew attended Ellen and Anne's wedding!
Thank you.)
I FINALLY figured it out!
You know who Russo is? He's the (fictional) Arkansas Mayor who ran for Governor twelve years ago and was actually ahead of then-Governor Clinton in the polls for a while before Clinton finally was re-elected. Now, Clinton is finishing up his Presidency and this Mayor is STILL talking about how he can become Governor of Arkansas and score a higher approval rating than Clinton EVER did.
How sad is that?
Russo is Arsenio Hall... STILL swearing that he's going to "kick Leno's ass".
NITRO: (or: FINALLY... Russo calls out the ROCK(er))
-I am the WCW Logo... why do you not FEAR ME!
-Highlights of the Steiner/Nash/Goldberg feud. New Blood? Where?
-Earlier today: Scott Steiner arrives and knocks out the camera man with a pipe... he needs a pipe to hurt people? I would think a blood transfusion would explode any mortal heart?
- Then Kevin Nash arrived. Nash beats up NOBODY. Nash beats people up with his SPARKLING VERBAL WIT!!
-Live, Goldberg arrives... although it COULD have been taped. He asks Dillenger where Nash is. Dillenger mumbles something about peeling the flesh off the New Apostles. Dillenger is too busy looking over paperwork... some foolish mortal must have signed over his soul to the Dark Chylde... don't bother praying for this lost soul.... it's too late... dammit
-Fireworks welcome us... somewhere... I'm sure it's somewhere either in Ohio, Florida, a Virginia, or a Carolina.
-The Jung Dragons are ALREADY IN THE RING!! No egos THERE!!!!
-Vampiro, the Demon (ugh), and Muta (yah!) comes out. Vampiro is wearing a GIRDLE!!!! FAT ASS!!!!!
-Related note: Bob Ryder reports that Vampiro is COMPLETELY HAPPY TO BE IN WCW. Didn't even know that was in question? Maybe ALL WCW stars are required to sing the praises of the company from time to time? Wouldn't surprise me.
-Vampiro barks out something to the announcers. Keep in mind that Madden is NOT wearing his sunglasses.
-Muta is in the ring, all bug eyed and hair all akimbo. It ain't hiding that bald spot, boyo!
-Suddenly, Tank Abbott wanders out and joins the Announcers. Tank is the monkey wrench in this little multi-6 man feud going... putting him with 3 Count CONTINUES to be a brilliant move. (see, I can be nice!) I can't WAIT to see him and Muta mix it up.
-Again, I will point out that Madden is SANS sunglasses.
-Tank announces that he and 3 Count are working on a song that will be "bigger than 'American Pie'". Then said that in thirty years, the "Madonna of that time will do a cover of the song!" Yeah, like Madonna won't still be doing whatever she can to stay in the spotlight 30 years from now! SHE'LL be 70 years old and STILL putting out videos!!
-She'll also be 70 years old and still driving around Harlem picking up young Hispanic boys. Oooph... visualize THAT.
-It's a mucho loco... domo crazy... unbridled spot FEST... like any smart American, the Demon kept to himself and enjoyed the sight of Japs and Mexicans fighting it out.
-A ladder was put to use. Actually, I have no idea what happened... I came into the show a few minutes late... I'm just going by memory.
-I hear Muta puked on a Jung Dragon. Someone must have peed in his Pre-Match Noodles.
-If not during this match, then SOMETIME early in the show, Tony reminded Mark that he (Mark) was older than him (Tony). Aww... and we've known Tony for YEARS... we've only even HEARD of Mark Madden for the last few years. No WONDER he rips off everyone... at that age, he's getting DESPERATE for fame.
-I have him pegged at... 38? 39?
-He'll have a heart attack and drop dead soon... relax.
-So will I... I hope
-Anyways, the Crew with the most paint on them won after Muta hit a Top Rope Banana Roll (hey, when *I* get paid to write a book on the subject... I'll start giving a rip shit)
-well... I AM getting paid... and these columns almost qualify as a book... naah, I ain't giving a rip shit.
-side note... one reader told me he cut and pasted all my ScoopThis columns into one text... it all came out to something like 898 pages. I gave NoSoul almost 900 pages of brilliance... imagine what I would have done if I even LIKED the guy?
-and here comes the lecture...
-Vampiro's crew barely had time to celebrate the victory (ie: stare at each other) when...
-Sting came out under the cover of darkness. He had a bat. He used said bat. I heard Muta grunt quite clearly, "Ugh.. not THIS Gaijin again!"
-Sting cleared house. He howled at the crowd. He picked up a mic and said, "Well that's three out of four!"
-He also said that the "Stinger came looking for a fight!" A: He's too damn old to attach an "er" at the end of his name and B: Wouldn't it be cool if someone screamed, "I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR A SPIRITED CONTEST OF WILL AND ABILITY!!"
-umm... okay... so that's basically Lance Storm's act... I stand corrected.
-Sting called out Goldberg... because it's "Showtime... folks".
-What's his problem with the Big Guy? Strictly religious differences?
-He said he wasn't going to leave the ring until GB gets out there. I would give the company a STANDING OVATION if they actually kept Goldberg away and spent two hours watching Sting sit there, twiddling his thumbs.
-Tony speed raps something about "a backstage incident involvingKEVINNASHANDGOLLLDBER..."
-commercials
-TNT ponders the question... what would happen if Tom Selleck ran for President? I'm sure his first mission would be to throw Rosie O'Donell off the air.
-Free guns for the kids?
-Secretary of State Chuck Heston?
-The comeback of Steve Guttenburg?
-During the break, we see Nash and Goldberg go at it through a rash of WCW Security. Out of nowhere, Nash gets BEANED on the head by Scott Steiner. Poor Kevin didn't even see it coming.
-Sting is STILL waiting. He drops out of the ring. Of course, the INSTANT his feet touch the floor, Tony says, "He's still in the ring!"
-Is that GRAY in Sting's hair? Dear God no...
-Sting starts sloping off...
-Scott Steiner's music blares.
-Juiceboy comes out with a mic. He says that Sting was looking for Goldberg. HE was looking for Nash. If you do the math, and if you are barely ten IQ points away from full blown Retardation... you would calculate that the best way to handle this is for Sting to figure out some way to get Steiner's pipe out of his a(BLEEP).
-Of course... Sting's baseball bat is nowhere to be found now.
-Steiner charged towards Sting. Sting just stood there and got ready. When did HE stop caring, anyway?
-Steiner attacked Sting. He threw Sting in the ring and bitchslapped the guy.
-Steiner yelled at a ringside fan.
-You know... Steiner really annoys me. I don't know why. He's SUCH a BULLY!
-commercials
-"The Cell"... starring Jennifer Lopez. Looks horrible.
-How ironic that Lopez's boyfriend, Puff Daddy, may end up IN a "cell"?
-Ernest Miller comes out. I think he's upset... he's sticking his lower lip out.
-Oh.. the man looks GOOOOOD
-He gets on the stick and announces that it's time to take control!
-His first announcement... to Goldberg and Nash... if EITHER one of these two "jackasses" act up again... he's NOT going to send them home... oh no... because someone in the office might still pay them (HAW!!! Nice little shot there).
-No, if they act up, Miller's going to have them "sent to jail" (oh PU-LEAZE... WHAT A WAY TO WRECK A GOOD LINE!!!)
-On what charges, Asswipe? Let's hear a charge?
-Of course not... instead he jumped to "Big Poppa Dump" (heh)... OH, Miller HATES Steiner... and he HATES that pipe he always has on him! (Lordy... and poor Jake Roberts is STILL practically blackballed)
-For Steiner... he's going to hang the pipe on a pole and have... are you ready?... a "Pipe On A Pole Match".
-Cameras spot a sign saying, "I CAN DANCE LIKE THE CAT". The holder, and therefore AUTHOR of the sign was an old, balding, pudgy, white guy with glasses. Perhaps he was intentionally going for Irony? God I hope so...
-Hey Ernie... who's is Steiner fighting?
-Sting... okay. Cool.
-Miller felt like dancing. And dancing he...
-wrong... Lance Storm came out. Bedecked in a Hockey Jersey (umm... the Toronto Douchebags?) and all three of his belts. Despite how the movie sensitively depicted how people DIED... Madden STILL called him "The Perfect Storm"
-Storm had a mic and said that since Miller was booking matches... why doesn't he book the match Storm DESERVES... the match Canadian fans want to SEE (Err... Bret vs Vince? F-Kayfabe?) The match American fans are afraid of? (Err... Hogan/Warrior 3?)
-No... Storm vs Booker T. For the strap. Which will make Storm the first ever "Grand Slam Champion"... *coughtagteambeltsHACK*
-Miller told Storm's Canadian fans to "kiss his American ass" (should'a thrown "Black" in there... REALLY scare the Canucks).
-Miller asked the fans what they wanted. Oh, why not do ANOTHER WCW.com poll? Seeing how the first one went so SMOOTHLY!!!
-Of course, this being Nitro. Miller asked the crowd. I KNOW I heard crickets chirping.
-Miller made the match. Ahh... bloody 'ell why NOT? Booker, despite being Rocky 2, has actually brought something to the TABLE.
-Miller danced. We were spared.
-The Announcers get face time. Remember when I pointed out that Madden was NOT wearing sunglasses when the cameras first cut tot hem unexpectantly?
-well, he's WEARING SUNGLASSES NOW!!!! THIS FAT BAG OF CRISCO IS SO F-ING CALCULATED. "OH, LOOK AT ME... I'M SO COOOL!"
-Tub of Goo. I SMUGGLE CUBANS INTO THIS COUNTRY BY JAMMING THEM UP YOUR MOTHER'S UTERUS. NO, NOT THE CIGARS... REAL LIVE CUBANS!!!
-Billy Kidman was with the Announcers. Tony will get to Billy just as soon as they begin the two hour informercial begging us to order New Blood Rising.
-Whoops... they didn't do that. They simply confirmed the two matches already set for tonight. My bad. Oh, we heard PLENTY about NBR tonight... but no more than usual... and certainly not as bad as they USED to push the PPV's.
-F-It... TONY HAS IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY!!! HUDSON IS DOING JUST FINE!!
-Madden can stick his head in an oven.
-I take FULL credit for altering Tony Schiavone's style. He changed because I had a Bounty out on his Daughter ($50 and a Blowjob... although I later upped it to $100). How DARE you not call me influential.
-Kidman said that over the last few weeks... he has treated Torrie Wilson poorly. Like a lovelorned loser nursing a broken heart after getting dumped by a total PIECE OF ASS... he handled things ALL WRONG. (Oh... we've ALL made fools of ourselves over a broken heart... I made a TOTAL jackass out of myself... now my heart is completely hardened... there WILL be no more broken hearts for me. THIS IS ONE ARMOR NO BITCH IS GOING TO PIERCE!!! A REPRESENT ALL OF YOU LOSERS OUT THERE!!!! F-THE BROADS!! F-EM ALL AND MAKE THEIR PARENTS WATCH!!!)
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-sorry... I had to call Melissa and ask if she needed any Mini-Pads while I went to the store. I LOVE you honeyyy!
-Kidman announced that tonight will be "Torrie Wilson Appreciation Night". (oh, we appreciate her every chance we GET!)
-Kidman leaves to make sure that all of his plans are in place. Madden proves that the only thing he has dipped his weiner in is something inflatable by saying "Every night should be Torrie Appreciation Night"
-Oh Mark is so COOL in those shades!!
-Key Ron Ick came out. We see why Kronic has to suffer these newbies who don't even have cool names
-Jindrak and O'Hare come out. Tony tells us that this is for the tag belts.
-Hudson says we HAVE to admire O'Hare and Jindrak. No we DON'T.
-The Perfect Event join the Announcers. They aren't all that special on the mic.
-Hary Jin take early advantage, but they will not score points against these Kronic boys in the Power department (Kayfabe RULES)
-Kronic takes dominace because that's how Russo wants it (F-Kayfabe)
-Adams full nelson slams one of the kids here. I still can't tell the Hardyz apart... think I'm going to put any effort into I.D.ing these boys?
-We get that Double Chokeslam Move... the pin attempt is broken up.
-Clark hits the Pump handle Slam. ANOTHER pin is stopped.
-The Kids pull off the Flying Flip Bomb Thingy that WILL break his neck one day. Clark kicks out.
-The Evento Perfecto breakso the matcho uppo. Hard to believe, no?
-Jindrak and O'Hare join the Perfect Event in tuning up Kronic. Which now has the most senseless name in the business since all pot references were taken out. Expect this to stand until such a time as the Ding Dongs come back.
-The Filthy Animals run out.
-The MIA run out.
-Juventud and DINF "ringjack" the tag belts (an Mexican and an Italian STEALING something? No WAY!!!!) and take off. Guess what? So do we.
-commercials
-Jeeze... 3 commercial breaks and three spots with Jarrett shilling his cell phone. Funny, I've yet to see this play on RAW.
-We are shown that a mud pool has been set up near the entrance way. Later on... Rahs Al Ghul will lower Thomas and Martha Wayne's caskets into it and maybe... juuuust maybe... they will live AGAIN!!! All it will cost is Batman's SOUL!!!! It ALREADY might have cost Batman his few JLA friends! (Waid sure knows how to follow up the AWESOME Morrison run, don't he?)
-Huge Erection screams at his troop. They goal tonight is to hunt down some Home Boys (and one Disco Idiot) and hand the tag team belts back to Kronic. I forget... which one of these MIA boys is reeking with talent again?
-Wasn't "Awall" getting SHOVED to the Moon just a short few months ago?
-GOD BLESS WCW FOR FINALLY AXING HAMMER!!!!
-Major Gunns announces that she's going to strip Ms Handcock naked. She calls HC a "bitch"... THIS is allowed... but "ass" isn't.
-Buff Bagwell comes out with his mother. Isn't enough enough here? Yeah, Ha ha.. it was fun at first.
-backstage, Kanyon was desperately searching for a female to work this mixed tag match with. He tried Torrie Wilson, but she wouldn't do it because this was her appreciation day and "do I look like another Bimbo in a D-Cup bra?" (heh...) She shooed Kanyon away (story of MY life... take 1) and resumed bickering with Shane Douglas.
-Kanyon continued his search, spotted Paula Pollshock, grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her away... kicking and screaming (story of MY life... take 2)
-Kanyon drags the girl out. Yelling at her until veins stood out on his neck (story of MY life... take 3)
-Now THIS is interesting. Scherer reported that Kanyon asked if he could STOP using the Diamond Cutter sign and instead, cross his arms because Dallas Page is bothered by the move infringment... even though Kanyon's entire GIMMICK is a goof on Page. You know what that is? That's SOMEBODY WHO TAKES THIS CRAP WAAAY TOO SERIOUSLY
-It's also somebody who makes a stink over just when he puts over someone... and ONLY if he approves of the person they want him to lay down for.
-Gotta love Bagwell. He ALWAYS knows when the camera is on him... and is ALWAYS ready with a facial expression.
-so... obviously the Old Bat isn't going to get in there... ditto for the Anti-Rocket Scientist
-Kanyon and Buff go at it. Kanyon reaches over for a pin. Pollshock avoids skin contact as if Kanyon was a leper. (*sigh*... story of MY friggin life... take 4)
-Mother Bagwell flips Kanyon the finger. HAW... CLASSY DAME!!! It's a miracle Sinatra didn't snag her.
-Bagwell gets clotheslined out of the ring.
-Kanyon hits the air. The force of the wind from the blow knocked Mother Bagwell SLOWLY to her knees... then SLOWLY she lied down... then SLOWLY she rolled off the apron... then she SLOWLY hit the floor on her feet... then she SLOWLY repeated steps 1 and 2. Key word is SLOWLY... in fact, I think RAW started by the time she stopped moving.
-Kanyon tagged Pollshock. Pollshock slapped him across the mush (TAKE 5... DAMMIT)
-Kanyon pulled Pollshock in by the hair... and spent an ABSURD amount of time asking the fans what they want to see.
-Because he had to wait for Mean Gene Okerlund to chug his way down there with his neckbrace.
-Big sign that reads, "WASSUP MOM, IT'S CHRIS!!" Umm... no... I'm right here. My Mom is dead too. I got money.
-Okerlund kicked Kanyon in the balls, therebye freeing Pollshock
-Therebye allowing Buff to Blockbuster Kanyon and hit the pin.
-Not a match really... more like the Kanyon Comedy Show... which could have been worse.
-could Kanyon be GROWING on me? NOOoooo
-commercials TNT enters the TV series fray with a Wall Street comedy called "Bull"... FINALLY... a steady job for Alicia Coppola.
-I give it 4 shows.
-subscribe to Sports Illustrated (there is NOBODY better than Rick Reilly... my inspiration) and get "The Los Angeles Lakers: A Legacy of Greatness" order one for Larry Bird and take bets as to which method will he use to kill himself (I say he lays down in front of a tractor)
-commercials
-I still am totally prepared to say I did NOT see NBR... in fact, it will be the first thing I write in this column next week.
-The Announcers gets serious. Tony says, "Fans. You know that through the years, we here at WCW have always been open and honest with you. We do not lie. Last Thursday, I conducted an interview with Vince Russo that did not air, even though we LI... err.. promised you that it would. It did not air due to WCW Attorneys deciding that the contents were TOO HOT FOR TELEVISION!!!! Well, ea....
-You know something? I wasn't going ANYWHERE with this bit. Let's just say that Tony set it up. Hudson said that he was eager to hear what was said. And Madden automatically agreed with everything Russo is about to say because he knows damn well that when Russo goes, he might very well follow suit. (They can't POSSIBLY think Madden's presense is a GOOD point to... well, then again... I've managed to become a bit of a commodity... I guess it's possible for ANYONE.)
-Okay.. so here are excerpts from the Russo "shoot'em up"... I'm only commentatin' on the bigger points. Oh Hell.. there are a MILLION of them!
-Tony, being the BARBARA WALTERS OF THE RASSLIN' WORLD THAT HE IS... wastes no time and asks about Hulk Hogan... (since lightening did NOT strike down these two as soon as the name was mentioned... we can now all agree that it's a WORK... right?)
-Russo sez WCW lawyers has him by the pubes on this one and he cannot comment. Rest assured... the day WILL come where he will unload the WHOLE deal... but until then... it's best to shut up and watch the loser face Internbet F-Wads debate over whether this is real or not. (oo.. this is SO like Montreal in '98... only... NOT!!!)
-Do I have to say it again? YOU CANNOT CALL SOMEONE A PIECE OF SHIT ON LIVE TV FOR THE CRIME OF EXERCISING HIS CONTRACTUAL RIGHT!!! IF THIS WAS REAL, HOGAN WOULD HAVE FILED A MAJOR LAWSUIT ALREADY!!!
-the BEST I'm willing to cede is that there is a REMOTE POSSIBILITY this STARTED OUT as a work... but slowly backed itself into a shootish aspect... due to tempers, ego, and the fact that this wasn't very well thought-out. MAYBE... doubtful, but MAYBE.
-Tony asks why Russo would leave the WWF? Which only served to try to subliminally tell the viewer that yes, people DO leave the WWF for the greener grass of WCW.
-Russo sez that the WWF has peaked and he wanted a new challenge. Then he baldfaced LIED and said that RAW ratings have STAYED THE SAME since he left. (Didn't they like... break ALL RECORDS a week or so ago? Aren't they now pulling the occasional 8?)
-And doesn't it ALSO say something that the WWF ratings have not DROPPED while he was away? Why yes.. it does!!
-If I'm still talking about why I left Scoops a year after the fact... please throw gasoline on my penis and light a match.
-Russo insists that the WCW New Blood can give the WWF a serious run. (I doubt ANYBODY thinks Hugh Morrus is going to save this company). He also said that the Old Guard are a bunch of whining, ego-maniacal, completely out of control, damn that Bischoff for giving them such cushy contracts... DICKHEADS!!! How DARE THEY!!!
-The New Blood is "working their asses off and WCW is finally at a place it needs to be" (well, yeah... dropping a Nuke on the building where RAW is might help too...)
-Last show Russo wrote before Sullivan took over... Nitro went from a 2.8 to a 3.4. He refused to offer ANY explanation as to why it's back down to even BELOW a 2.8 even after he's been "doing" the show for the last FOUR MONTHS. Or is Sullivan now going to be known as Wrestling's version of Oswald?
-Russo spent his downtime watching "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters" with his daughter. (so that's where he gets his ideas?)
-Russo got himself involved in front of the camera to HELP THE COMPANY... because it's not about "me", it's about "we"... (if that's the case... then why even BRING UP that he was responsible for EVERY SUCCESS THE WWF HAD? Why is he so intent on mentioning that McMahon took UNFAIR CREDIT?)
-Russo will NEVER... EVER... get in front of the camera again...
-UNLESS... if Ric Flair wants a little payback!!!
-Then... Russo did the LAMEST THING EVER and CHALLENGED JOHN ROCKER TO A MATCH... AGAINST HIM... AT STARRCADE at Russo's "backyard"... the Nassau Coliseum. Oh My CHRIST.
-This... THIS IS HOW WCW IS DEALING WITH THE ROCK AT THE GOP CONVENTION???? THIS RIDICULOUS CONCEPT THAT BISCHOFF DROVE INTO THE GROUND????
-JOHN ROCKER IS TRYING TO PUT ALL THIS BEHIND HIM!!!!! BUT HE MIGHT BE DUMB ENOUGH TO SETTLE THIS CONTROVERSY IN A WRESTLING RING!?!!?
-Jesus H CRAP... WHY NOT JUST BRING BACK LENO?????
-Really, they should change their name from "WCW" to "WAS"... "We Are Suffering"
-The saddest part is... Russo prefaced this by saying, NOW THIS IS WHERE I REALLY SHOOT, TONY... OKAY?
-Of course, if Rocker keeps his mouth shut, this issue will already be dead and buried by December... leave it to Russo to re-start it. I'm SURE the Atlanta Braves organization will approve of it.
-"For every New Yorker out there, I'd love to kick his ass"... suddenly, Mancow fighting Jimmy Hart for Chicago's honor seems cool.
-"New Blood Rising" will be where it ALL begins for WCW. When he FIRST debuted last Fall? Naah, that was a rehearsal. Last April? NAAAH, that was a run-through... THIS IS WHERE WCW HITS THE GROUND RUNNING!!! NEW BLOOD RISING IS WHERE THE RACE FOR RATINGS GLORY REALLY BEGINS!!!
-Until Starrcade, that is... where the mainstream press for Russo/Rocker will be the SPARK THAT LIGHTS THE BOMB, BABY!!!! WCW IS ON THE FAST TRACK TO GLORY COME DECEMBER!!!!!!
-Finally, Russo sez that he don't care WHO likes it... the finish for the 3 way dance will be for what's BEST for the company... then he said that Goldberg is being so... "Jewish" about all this (well he did... read between the LINES, people!)
-The "shoot" ends.
-I can't see this guy lasting. I'm sorry.
-By the way... for the record. Booker T is a GREAT choice as on-air leader, DESPITE the obvious insinuations that he's the REAL Rock. Lance Storm is doing a GREAT job with the huge push he is getting... there are a LOT of VERY positive things Russo is doing with the company.
-But they will NEVER take out the WWF on Monday nights again. Not in the state they are in and NOT in any FORESEEABLE future state. The war is essentially OVER... I'm sorry... it's true. You can still watch, enjoy, and root for WCW... I do at times... but just know that they are doomed to stay at number 2.
-Want proof? Okay... when people discuss Monday Night Football hiring Dennis Miller to offset shrinking ratings... they say it's NOT because of Nitro and RAW... they say it's because of "Vince McMahon". Even though MNF now starts at 8 pm.. and sometimes 7:30... nobody even MENTIONS Nitro anymore. When the general media discusses Wrestling, they discuss the WWF. They haven't discussed WCW in YEARS... unless you count getting Goldberg on Time/Warner owned magazine covers such as "Enetertainment Weekly" and "Sports Illustrated for Kids" Hell, David Arquette barely made a blip on the media consciousness.
-Hookay... I've said my peace. Before you flame me... ask yourselves... how close am I to the truth? I know it hurts, and HEY, I sympathize. I stayed a WWF fan during the heyday of the NWO and I suffered through all the ball breaking. Hell, I once got my ass CHEWED out in a Prodigy Chat Room for calling Bob Ryder a WCW shill (this was WAAAAY before Bob started admitting it. Hell, this was a good HALF YEAR before I started this column.) You have to think it over. Don't blindly bitch at me. I ain't recapping ECW... I ain't burning the company just to piss you off.
-Those F-ing F-wads in the Chat room... "Relentless Y-Bok"... "RomyDP"... a few more. If I had HALF the balls then as I do now... I would have REIGNED UNHOLY TERROR DOWN ON THAT CHAT ROOM!!!
-HEY YBOK!!! IF YOU AREN'T TOO BUSY SUCKING OFF YOUR BOYFRIEND... F-YOU!!!! YOU LITTLE HOMO!!
-commercials
-Sting came out.
-Steiner came out.
-This is a pipe on a pole match.
-John F-Ing Rocker... dear God
-Sting attacks Steiner outside. COME ON STEVE!!! PUNK THIS JACKED UP BITCH OUT!!!!
-Sting uses a chair. Twice.
-Inside, Sting employs a standing dropkick. You don't see that much, anymore.
-Steiner gets control... and starts jawing at the fans.
-I don't care WHAT Scherer says... this guy can NEVER be the success story Austin was.
-or maybe he can... the F**K do I know?
-Steiner pounds on Sting. As the years go by, Sting ends up on his back more and more.
-Sting ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. Amazingly, his skinny as a pencil arm didn't snap in two.
-Sting jumped at Steiner. The Ref blatantly moved in the way... well, Steiner dragged him into range.
-With the Ref down... guess which Moron Brother currently deep into a Biker gimmick showed up? Bingo.
-Either the Ref stopped it... or gave Steiner the win. Because Steiner's music played as he choked Sting with a pipe. Oh right, It was a PIPE match. So Steiner won because he had the pipe.
-Nash came out with a chair. He used it to block Steiner's pipe. Steiner dropped the pipe. Nash dropped the chair. They moved in.
-You think Nash will lift his knee? Like he has done in EVERY SINGLE MATCH HE'S EVER HAD SINCE HE WAS MASTER BLASTER????
-Bet'cha ass.
-WCW Security was out. So were we.
-commercials
-Hudson bragged that while it only takes 12 WWF Security guys to break up any given brawl... it takes WELL OVER 25 YOUNG, STRAPPING WCW SECURITY BOYS TO BREAK UP A WCW BRAWL!!! CAN'T YOU READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL PEOPLE??? THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE!!!!
-Mike Awesome had a fat chick with him as he joined the Announcers. Tony and Madden drooled over this just signed match for later... Kevin Nash and STING... will TEAM UP against... are you sitting down? The re-united... NAAAH... I won't tell you!! HAW!!!
-Why was Awesome there? Well, to grope the fat girl named Heidi and make me personally swear off sugar for at least 3 months.
-Lance Storm comes out covered in belts and proudly holding a Canadian Flag.
-Oh My God... we hear the fat girl speak. Of COURSE... she has a trailer park thick accent.
-"Trailer Park Thick"?
-Come on Ru... SHOCK us... hire a Fat girl with a BRITISH accent. It's the SMALL details that sometimes stick out the most.
-Storm hits the ring and has a mic. Hudson points out that Storm has a mic. (WCW: We remember our Blind Audience)
-Storm asks permission to be "serious" for a minute. (Sure, so long as you get the bowtie you're wearing to stop spinning... and pull your pants up!)
-Lance sez that THIS is destiny! He will take his spot with all the OTHER great Canadians... he named many of them... (Wayne who?)
-Nowhere did he name Bret Hart... of course, if Bret was still active, Storm would be impersonating him for a gimmick
-Cameras linger on a sign that reads, "The Real Canadian Crippler: Lance Storm"...of COURSE... again... further proof that WCW is a SECOND RATE COMPANY REDUCED TO IMITATING THE COMPETITION!!!
-and yes.. I realize that Benoit was the Crippler in WCW and not created in the WWF. Does that REALLY mean this comparison should be done?
-as a matter of fact... now it seems like they RUSHED Storm into this title shot because the WWF'S BLACK CHAMPION IS CURRENTLY FIGHTING A CANADIAN TECHNICIAN.
-Oh yeah Vince. You're WELL on your way to ratings supremacy all right. It's only a matter of time now.
-Storm wrapped up his Canuck spiel. Nothing is his fault
-Oh My F-ing God... did he just say, "It's not my fault, I'm THAT Damn Good???"
-it's all one big F-You. Next week, Ralph Nader comes out ahnd challenges Gore and Bush to a Three Way Dance. They start running ads that say, "Monday Nitro! We have 200'000 potential votes ready to whore out to ANYONE!!"
-Booker T comes out. Please.. let's just wrestle. Booker doesn't need to get on the stic and defend America.
-The bell rings... no more mic time. Thank Heaven for small favors.
-Meanwhile, Heidi's order of donuts had arrived. Except they were ham sandwiches... Heidi whines that she wanted donuts. I'm sure Vince spent a good 30 minutes on this high comedic dialogue. THE CHAMPION THAT THEY HAVE BEEN SELLING US FOR THE PAST MONTH IS WORKING A MATCH AND THE ANNOUNCERS ARE DISCUSSING FOOD!!!!
-In a nutshell, this is what's wrong with the company. It has nothing to do with Big Stars and Huge Egos.
-Storm sprung off the top rope and onto Booker on the outside. Madden told Heidi to remember Mamma Cass. Hudson called him "Heenan" (*sigh*... I won't even GO there). Madden showed class (I lie) by reminding us that Mama Cass died choaking on a ham Sandwich. Since her family has MAINTAINED that was NOT the case... Madden just opened the company up for a nifty Lawsuit.
-Storm went for a suplex, Booker reversed it and gave him one of his own.
-Storm went for the Canadian Maple Leaf, Booker kicked out.
-Booker with the Scissor Kick.
-Booker with the Spinerooni... which Madden cut off Awesome by screaming "SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI, THE WORLD CHAMP WITH A SPINEROONI" (what douchebag inspired THIS?)
-Booker with the pin. Storm kicked out.
-Storm tries a Top Rope Cross Body Block. Booker catches him and gives him a Powerbomb. Storm kicks out.
-Storm goes for the German Suplex. Booker reverses and tries his own. Storm wraps his legs around Booker's and rolls him over and down. Storm fights to get on the Maple Leaf. Storm gets the Maple Leaf.
-Booker fights... FIGHTS... FIGHTS!!!
-Booker reaches the ropes.
-Booker with the... yes, they actually are getting worse with this... with the Spinebuster.
-next time, I'm just pasting the Rock/Benoit match here and fast forwarding to the next segment.
-you know what, if the WWF tried this, I would roast them just as hard. The thing is, they do NOT TRY THIS
-*COUGHfakediesalfakerazorwaaaybeforeIstartedthiscolumnHACK*
-Booker with the Missile Dropkick. Storm kicks out.
-Booker with the Rock Bottom. Booker with the pin.
-I am embarassed for Booker T. So far, his title run is cheapened.
-Jeff Jarrett ran out and attacked Booker. He used the Canuck flag.
-Storm took umbrage. They fought. It went outside.
-Jarrett reached for his guitar and ran at Storm. Storm moved out of the way. The Fat Chick took it on the head. I hear her body is STILL quivering from the impact.
-Aweome was mad. He chased Jarrett into the ring...
-Jarrett ran into Booker. Booker gave him the Rock Bottom. Booker's music played.
-Camera show a motionless Heidi... well, as motionless as the tide of cellulite will allow.
-Jesus... the girl's got a MOP for hair. She looks like an overstuffed Raggedy Ann
-commercials
-Jeff Jarrett tells as typically blase Pollshock that he hit the fat girl because "he didn't have an hour to walk around her (hee hee hee)" So he challenged Mike Awesome... who really didn't even TOUCH Jeff at all, to a match later tonight.
-Rection told AWOL that he will go one way, and you can go the other way. Then they tapped fists... and damn near missed completely... (heh... the curse of the White Man)
-AWOl walks into the Nitro Girls dressing room. They were fully clothed, yet still offended. They threw various apparel at him. You'll never see the Wall sell shots better.
-WHERE IS BERLYN???
-Kidman came out. He's got a mic and wants to say a few things to Torrie.
-First... he's sorry.
-Second, can he have his balls back?
-Third, he shouldn't have played that bogus "sex tape" in front of mill... heh heh hee THOUSANDS of fans.
-Fourth, he acted like an immature idiot. Which is why he made this "Torrie Wilson Appreciation Night" He had candy, champagne, flowers... all for her! Tonight is HER night.
-Backstage, Douglas isn't too thrilled. Torrie is touched.
-Kidman invited Torrie out to celebrate her night. Come on baby!
-There she comes... Madden references something about Douglas being impotent that must have happened during Thunder... like anyone watches F-ing THUNDER? "Survivor" is on!
-Kidman reminisced about all the fun they had... moving into all the childhood pictures he saw of Torrie... from a little kid all the way to high school.
-He said he saw a side of Torrie nobody has seen. (Her BACKSIDE??? Bent over a CHAIR??? Her little Lobster Claw right there for the TAKING????)
-In fact, he wanted to share the "moment" with everyone... so he asked the Director to roll the tape
-We see a videotape dated 1992... Torrie Wilson's 16th Birthday. Her Mother gives her a cake.
-We see Torrie as a fat, gluttonous, teenage PIG!!! (umm... "Friends" anyone?)
-Fat Torrie DIVES into her cake... and starts to NOSH
-In her frenzy, she leans over her cake... and her shirts catches fire. Madden has the BALLS to make a fat comment.
-back to live action. Torrie is SHOCKED... SHOCKED, I TELLS YA.
-Kidman ain't done. He has them drop a busload of photographs all over the building. Torrie's High School photos.
-Umm... didn't... like... not so long ago... Schiavone bragged the WCW was NO LONGER about dropping stuff from of the ceiling? Err.. I may be nitpicking here but.... HELLOOOOO?
-Shane Douglas ran in. Kidman had a pair of Brass Knuckles... well, one Brass Knuckle... a SET of Brass Knuckles. He used them.
-Torrie tried to hit him with a Champagne bottle. Kidman hit HER.
-Then some NEW guy ran in. Tony says that "obviously" we KNOW this guy from Thunder as "Reno". CHECK THE RATINGS, NITWIT!!! QUITE A FEW OF US DO NOT KNOW!
-oh yeah... and how come Russo's skill, while improving Monday Nitro's ratings... has not made even a DENT in Thunder's numbers? If this is the NEW WCW that is ON IT'S WAY back on top... then shouldn't Thunder be doing KILLER business?
-all in all.. nicely executed segment. Obviously, this is what Russo wanted on the show tonight, and built everything else around it.
-commercials
-oh, right. I should mention that Kidman was strapped with a leather belt. So I SHALL mention it.
-Kidman was strapped with a leather belt.
-done and done.
-The Filthy Animals tried to amscray with the tag team belts. The MIA found them. A brawl ensued. The MIA's military style was no match for the Way of El Barrio! Thus, it was like their very own Mini-Vietnam.
-K-Douche and Juvee opened the big garage door... and Kronic was standing there with sledge hammers. The Animals ran. DINF dove into their car. Kronic attacked thge car with the sledge hammers. Alas... what looks good on paper does NOT mean it will work on TV... oh, there was a slot of banging... and a headlight was smashed. But the car only sustained minor dings.
-DINF handed over the belts and pleaded for his life. He was given the "High Time(s)"
-Meanwhile, Major Gunns and Tygress fought into the mud. Ms Handcock showed up. Madden screamed "Snootchy Bootchies". Hey Mark!! I USED YOUR MOTHER'S MONTHLY EXPULSION TO PAINT MY DOGHOUSE!!!! YOU SHOULD SEE ALL THE FLYS DROP DEAD AS SOON AS THEY LAND!!!!!!
-WHAT??? YOU'RE MOM WENT THROUGH MENOPAUSE?? I KICKED HER A FEW TIMES... IT GOT GOING AGAIN!!!!
-Miss Handcock barely got any mud on her... because she's Russo's favorite. I bet he bangs her behind David's back. Screw Stephanie..THIS is the REAL Princess!!
-as far as Mudfights go... this was okay... it didn't last long. Gunns seemed to be the loser in all.
-commercials
-Jarrett came out.
-Mike Awesome RAN out. The fight began.
-Oh... I hope they don't drop the Mullet name. I sort of liked it.
-I REFUSE to plug the Mullet site... so don't even ASK!!!
-It went outside. Awesome used BRUTE FORCE and a chair to pound on Jeff.
-Awesome tried to set up a table. Jarrett used a chair.
-The table was finally set. and things spilled back into the ring.
-Awesome climbed the top rope. Jarrett met him.
-Meanwhile, Lance Storm (if I go into porno... that will be my name) showed up to "watch"
-How long before they send Storm to a Dentist to get a tooth removed?
-Storm distracted the Referee (I wonder what they actually SAY to the Ref when they show up on the ring apron for no real reason?). Jarrett yanked Awesome's necklace off and hit him with it. I WONDERED why he was wearing a necklace all of the sudden.
-Jarrett hits Awesome with his own necklace and tries for the pin.
-Awesome kicks out.
-Awesome fights back and goes for a Running Powerbomb into the table. Storm gets in his way. Awesome drops Jarrett and hits Storm. Storm drops down and hits the table. the table doesn't break.
-Jarrett gets Awesome in the "Stroke"... Jarrett wins.
-You know what? JARRETT IS STILL LAWLER'S BITCH!!!!!!! GOD BLESS THE KING!!!
-commercials
-Kwee Wee introduced his wife to the audience. Her name is Papaya. F-Kwee Wee
-Steiner comes out. Hell, both of them do.
-They both work the mic. How the HELL did they survive College?
-WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE VARSITY CLUB??? Oh... right... Sullivan... heh.
-Sting and Nash came out to Sting's music and (lackof) lighting. When did Kevin become so agreeable?
-I will lick a Polar Bear's anus if Nash doesn't open his in-ring work with a knee lift.
-He faces off with Rick. They lock up. (THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, JOHNNY BETTS)
-Nash powers him into a corner. He lifts the knee. (WHEW... I had my bags packed for the North Pole... I SWEAR)
-Nash keeps him in the corner... unloading his whole arsenal several times (he ain't filling textbooks with his arsenal, kids. We're talking knees, fists, elbows, and forearms)
-Steiner clotheslines Nash. Nash hops up and knocks him down.
-Sting is tagged in. He "superflys" Rick... sort of.
-Scott is tagged in.
-Sting takes a whipping.
-Sting is the bitch here because they have to save Steiner and Nash
-The Announcers make one last Nitro pitch for NBR
-It broke down. Nash hoisted Rick up for a Jack Knife on the Announce table. He almost lost it AND didn't break the table either.
-Meanwhile, Scott set Sting up for the Recliner.
-Goldberg ran in and... well... I'm sure he WANTED to slide in... and spear Steiner while he had Sting straddled... but he overslid and was too close. So he just threw a few forearms. Then prowled around and waited for Sting to wrap it up so he can spear Steiner and go home (HE'S ALL ABOUT THE FANS!!!!)
-Sting pinned Steiner. Sting stood up and GB kicked him.
-GB and Steiner mixed it up.
-Nash saw this and lurched over the top ropes. GB waited for him.
-They were ABOUT TO GO AT IT!!!! IT'S A PREVIEW OF THE BIG PPV MATCH!!!
-The show ended... FAST.
Of course it did.
I DID like the show. In a way. I'm conditioned to accept it's faults, and focus on the positives. Booker deserves SO much better than mimicking Maivia. Storm deserves SO much better than to be cornholed as various WWF heels.
Poor Kevin is getting old before our very eyes.
The problem is... to go against Lawler douing a little "TCB"ing is almost sacrilege to anyone over 25. I can NOT do it. I will NOT do it.
Besides... John Rocker. Please God... Please NO! Let's hope the Braves sit him down and say NO!!
Raw wins. He ain't the King for nothing.
Well, I thought after my last few closers here and at ScoopThis were of a more serious note (Lord knows, getting teenage head is SERIOUS business), I thought I'd throw a little fun in here and see who digs it...
Lately, ALL the sites have exclusive interviews with wrestlers and people in the business... but as usual with these pussies... none of the questions are all that tough. Oh no... Charlie Rose does NOT moonlight as an Internet Wrestling Reporter... so, with that in mind... stealing a page (but at least I admit it) from Howard Stern, I throw down the challenge to you wannabes and loser ass interviewers (I'm talking to YOU, Downtown Dave) and present some questions that YOU can ask the wrestlers... if you have the BALLS!!!
to STEPHANIE MCMAHON:
-Can I smell your fart?
-Ever hear of a comb?
-Where do you get off wearing tight leather pants?
-Ever bang HBK?
-Ever bang Golga?
-What tax bracket do I have to be in, in order to get a "hi" out of you?
-You do realize your Father's a goofball, right?
-Okay, so which wrestler hit on you?
-Ever see Jake Roberts smoke crack?
-Ever score any for him?
-Are you mad that your Dad sold your soul to Satan in exchange for Rocky to replace Austin's popularity?
-Everyone knows you boff Hunter, why don't you admit it right now?
-Can I get oral for $50?
To GOLDBERG:
-Can I borrow $50 so this Irish Catholic chick will blow me?
-Why can't you professional for once and put someone over?
-Do you realize that no one cares if you're a heel or a face?
-Have you ever done ANY leg work in the gym? Ever hear of a squat?
-So, how come you don't think the guy they crucified was really the Son of God?
-Why don't you apologize for stiffing Bret Hart's head and knocking him out of the business right now?
To RUSSO:
-Are you on drugs?
-Are you stupid?
-Do you realize the WWF has actually improved without you?
-What happened to David's push?
-Will you ever admit that you failed?
-Will you ever admit that you made a mistake when you left the WWF?
-How does it feel knowing that you aren't half as good as you thought you were?
-You counter the Rock being interviewed by Tom Brokaw with John Rocker?
-When is Hogan coming back? Lie to me and I'll burn your house down.
-Dude... too much hairspray maybe?
-When will you bring Glacier back to kick Kwee Wee's ass?
-When will the WCW comeback officially begin?
-How many PPV's do you plan on declaring as "THE PPV I've been working towards all this time"?
-Ever occur to you that maybe all these names don't want to do your angles because your angles suck?
To THE ROCK:
-How do you respond to Spike Lee calling you an Uncle Tom?
-At what point will you leave McMahon flat and start your movie career?
-How does Stevie Ray feel about your new found success?
-Where's Ahmed?
-Why marry a girl named "Lavestia"?
-Steiner attacking you with a WHITE bat? Come ON dude... where's your pride?
-Do you REALLY want to see Bush in the White House?
-Who's funnier, Bill Cosby or Richard Pryor?
-Do you have a voodoo doll of Steve Austin? Do you keep twisting it's neck?
-Isn't it true that the "Iceman" King Parsons is your real daddy?
To STING:
-What happened to you, man?
-Can you pinpoint the exact date you started hating the business?
-Could you maybe have even TRIED the WWF?
-Did your Gym Membership expire?
-If you're such a God freak, how come you don't pray for higher ratings?
-If you do, then why won't he answer?
-Do you laugh at Owen every time you descend from the rafters?
-Smile, dammit!
-Any more horrible movies coming up?
-Is the reason you wear makeup because of that cro-magnon forehead?
-How was Daisy Fuentes in the sack?
-Admit it, Goldberg's a prick, right?
-Ever get into a fistfight with Goldberg over the existence of Christ?
to KANE:
-What's the dilly-yo?
-Isn't this gimmick humiliating?
-Are you scheduled to win ANY match this year?
-Ever read Kafka?
-Ever read?
-How long before they make you put over Stratus?
-Were you the one who pooped in Rena's bag?
And that'll do it. I DARE YOU... I DOUBLE DARE YOU... I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU to ask these questions. Come ON, you flaming punk mutts!!! Little Girly PUSSIES!! GROW A SET AND ASK THE REAL QUESTIONS!!!
I'd do it myself, but I have things to do. I'm VERY, VERY important.
ahh.. you all suck.
This column is dedicated to the return of Dave Gagnon... I officially TOAST Dave's return with a nice cool can of Budweiser!! HERE'S TO YOU, DAVE...
Oh... right... Dave's fresh out of rehab... it's not appropriate to drink alcohol in his honor. I apoligize.
But, he didn't say nothing about having a problem with drugs... so I officially TOAST Dave's return with a nice, smooth injection of HEROIN!! HERE'S TO YOU, DAVE...
gotta find a vein here... ahhhhhhh
thasss nicccshe... awww shweeet
The colors, people... look at all the pretty colorzzz
I am running naked through a field of laughing dandelions and free floating dreams... I am the Eggman... I am the Walrus...
coo coo cachoo
Thish iszzzh Hyattttttte